An Unusual Alliance
by Shadowblade217
Summary: When Vegeta, Future Trunks and Piccolo are suddenly transported into another universe, the last thing they expected to encounter was a certain wisecracking vampire. When a Nazi vampire army threatens human civilization, this unlikely team must join forces with the Hellsing Organization to save the world. Crossover between TeamFourStar's DBZ Abridged and Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.
1. Screwing with the Natural Order

**Disclaimer: ****The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT and their respective franchises are the property of Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Koura Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Dragon Ball Z Abridged and Hellsing Ultimate Abridged are the property of TeamFourStar and Takahata101. Please support the official and unofficial release.**

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**An Unusual Alliance**

**Chapter 1: Screwing with the Natural Order**

.

_Planet Earth, Hellsing Universe, 2006_

_**An extract from the mission report of Operative Alucard**_

_Now, I know what you're thinking: "How did all of this come about?"_

_Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was _dying_ to sink my teeth into something._

_Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Muahahahahaha…_

_It's funny._

_Anyway, things were going fairly normally – or as normal as they ever do for me, anyway… right up until those weird flying guys showed up._

_That's when it got… weird._

.

_Planet Earth, Dragon Ball Universe, Age 767_

"RAAAAAAHHH!"

The roar shook the barren wastelands, as a massive explosion of light blasted outwards, shattering several large rock formations.

After a long moment, the rumbling died down, and the light faded. A single figure hung in the air where one of the largest rock formations had been moments earlier.

Vegeta, prince of the Saiyan race, dropped to the ground, flexing his arms as he glared around. The golden aura of his Super Saiyan transformation swirled around him, stirring up the dust and rubble that his energy blast had created.

It had been less than a day since the battle between the Z-Fighters and the androids, and Vegeta hadn't gotten over it yet. The embarrassment of having the ever-loving crap kicked out of him – by Android 18, a _girl_, no less – had left him absolutely livid, and he'd decided to take out his frustration on this wasteland.

Deciding to take a break from training, he sat on a large, roughly flat chunk of rubble, and began to carry out another of his favorite training activities; namely, rationalizing his actions.

"No, you see, _I_ didn't f*ck up," he muttered to himself. "I just underestimated her. I'll admit; I went in a little too overconfident. But _of course_ I was a little overconfident. I mean, have you met me? I'm _me!_ I'm a big deal!"

He clenched his hands into fists, glaring at the ground. "And you know who's really at fault here?" His eyes narrowed. "_The boy._"

Vegeta hopped up and began pacing in a circle, his ranting slowly increasing in volume as the thoughts of his time-traveling son from the future fueled his rage. "'_Oh, the future is so bad!_' Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you weren't such a pansy-ass!"

Coming to a halt, he tilted his head back, glaring upwards at the sky as his golden aura flared to life around him. "Now, once I get back in the game, and destroy those metal brats–"

And that was when the entire world turned upside down.

A blinding white light flashed from every direction at once, blinding him. A moment later, a deafening rushing sound, like the roar of a flooding river, echoed in his ears, and he felt a sudden falling sensation, as if the ground had suddenly vanished from under his feet. The strange feeling intensified, as if he was being pulled by a powerful current, faster and faster.

"_What – the hell – is – happening?!_" Vegeta roared. He could barely hear his own voice, even though he was shouting at the top of his lungs.

And then, just as suddenly as it began, the rushing sound, the blinding light, and the falling sensation vanished… only for Vegeta to realize that he was plummeting straight into the middle of a forest.

In the moment before impact, he caught a glimpse of the sky overhead. Bizarrely, it appeared to be the middle of the night, although it had been midday right before the blinding flash of light.

Vegeta frowned. _What in the…_

That was when he slammed into the ground, and everything went black.

.

_About five minutes later…_

Vegeta opened his eyes, to find himself staring up at a star-filled night sky through the branches of several tall trees. He sat up slowly, rubbing his aching head, and realized that he was lying in a deep crater in the forest floor.

As he looked off to his left, the first sight that greeted him was a second crater a few yards away, and a third off to his right.

"Uh… ow, my head," a familiar voice muttered from the crater on his left. "What the hell was that?"

Vegeta's eyes widened. _Is that the Namekian?_

Sure enough, Piccolo sat up, looking around with a confused expression on his face. When he saw Vegeta, he scowled. "Oh, great."

"What the hell just happened?" Vegeta snapped.

"How should I know? One second I'm flying over to Gingertown; the next second there's a flash of light, and I slam into the ground. And…" Piccolo looked up at the sky in puzzlement. "Wait, what the hell? It wasn't night before, it was the middle of the day!"

"Uhhh…" The pained groan came from the third crater. "What… what happened?"

Piccolo's eyes widened in surprise. "Trunks?"

Vegeta's head snapped around, staring incredulously at the crater. "Trunks?!"

The adolescent half-Saiyan from the future crawled out of the impact crater, shaking his head repeatedly to clear his vision. "What _was_ that?" he mumbled. "I was leaving to check out what was going on in Gingertown, and then…" He blinked, looking up at Vegeta and Piccolo. "Where are we?"

"Actually, that's a very good question," Piccolo decided. "What kind of place is this?"

"How the hell should I know?" Vegeta countered.

Trunks looked around uneasily, adjusting his purple Capsule Corporation jacket. "I can't sense anyone around here, but I think there are some people off that way." He pointed off into the forest."

Piccolo's eyes narrowed as he looked in the direction that Trunks was pointing, as he used his acute hearing in an attempt to pinpoint any sounds in that direction.

After a few seconds, his eyes opened wide in surprise, and he took a step back involuntarily.

Vegeta and Trunks turned to face him in surprise.

"Uh, Piccolo?" Trunks asked. "What is it?"

Piccolo's gaze flicked over to him. "Okay, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Ah… good news," Trunks decided.

"Well, the good news is, you're right; there's definitely a bunch of people that way. I can hear them."

"So what's the bad news?" Vegeta spoke up.

Piccolo sighed. "The bad news is, most of them are screaming."

Trunks gulped audibly.

.

The three fighters quickly took to the air, flying directly towards the source of the people that Piccolo had heard. The night was illuminated by a huge full moon, which seemed to be hanging in the sky overhead.

It didn't take them long to reach the location; a small town. Several of the houses were in flames, and the occasional scream echoed through the night.

"Oh, God damn it," Piccolo muttered under his breath.

As they approached the town, Trunks noticed that most of the inhabitants seemed to be gathered together in the center of town, although their energy signatures seemed to be oddly faint, as if they'd been muffled by something. Pulling slightly ahead, he called back, "Follow me!" and made a rapid descent, landing lightly behind a house near the crowd's location.

As Piccolo and Vegeta landed behind him, Trunks crept forwards and peered around the corner of the house, just in time to see a large group of people standing a few yards away. They were gathered around a man dressed in the attire of a priest, who was holding a struggling blond girl in his arms. Bizarrely, their eyes were glowing with a sickly purple light; many of them were covered in blood, and had visible injuries on their bodies; and they all appeared to have fangs.

"_Why are we hiding?_" Vegeta demanded in a hiss, only to cut off abruptly when he saw the transformed people.

"What the hell is going on here?" Piccolo said out loud to no one in particular.

Then, to their surprise, someone else appeared in the clearing, striding out of the forest.

He was a tall, thin man, well over six feet in height. He wore a full-length red trenchcoat, as well as a large red hat and glowing orange glasses that concealed his face. His skin, where it was visible on his hands and neck, was ghostly pale.

Piccolo frowned. _And who the hell is this?_

The man strolled casually across the clearing, completely ignoring the transformed people around him, and came to a halt directly in front of the man dressed as a priest.

"So, you came," the priest hissed in a harsh, rasping voice. "Too bad you're _far_ too late."

The man in the trenchcoat tilted his head. "What?" His voice was the opposite; a deep, smooth, cultured baritone.

"Everyone else is already dead," the priest replied. He grinned sadistically, showing that his teeth were actually long, dagger-like fangs. "Except this little tart." He tightened his grip on the girl as she continued trying to get away. "But, trust me, I still plan to kill her."

The guy in the trenchcoat hadn't reacted in any way to this statement. "Mm-hmm."

"But first…" The priest chuckled. "I'm going to rape her!"

"Neat."

"But before I can do any of that, I'm going to kill _you!_"

The man in the trenchcoat removed his glasses, revealing that, beneath the orange lenses, his eyes were glowing bright red. "Oh?" His eyes narrowed. "See, that _would_ be intimidating, if you were… well, intimidating."

"Grrr…" The priest's hands clenched into fists. "_Are you mocking me?!_"

"Oh, no! No, no, no, no…" The man in the trenchcoat grinned, revealing that he also had fangs. "_Pfft…_ Yeah." With that, he produced an oversized pistol from inside the trenchcoat, moving so fast that the action was only a blur. He lifted the pistol and fired, blowing a hole through the right side of the hostage's chest and straight through the priest's heart.

_*"Shot through the heart!"*_

Both the girl and the priest crumpled to the ground.

Immediately, the group of purple-eyed villagers charged, but the red-clad man vanished in a blur. He reappeared with an explosion of blood, carving effortlessly through the crowd. The sounds of his gun firing repeatedly echoed through the air, each shot dropping another of the creatures.

Trunks flinched, his eyes wide in alarm and a rapidly increasing nausea at the sight of the brutal carnage.

Vegeta, for his part, actually seemed intrigued. "I like his style," he commented.

"You would," Piccolo replied flatly.

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

From start to finish, it took the tall, pale man less than a minute to slaughter every last one of the purple-eyed monsters. He came to a halt in front of the fallen girl, straightened up and holstered his gun with an amused smile. "Well, that should about wrap things up here," he said, putting his orange glasses back on.

"Unh…" the girl gasped, blood leaking from the corners of her mouth. "Gah…"

The pale man looked down at her in surprise. "Oh, yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole 'shooting you' thing, but I know, if you look deep into your heart…" He glanced around. "Which is currently all over that tree… you'll find a way to forgive me."

The girl made a soft whimpering noise, which was cut off by another gurgling gasp of pain.

"Aw, jeez; you look like a puppy!" the pale man complained. "A blonde, eviscerated puppy!"

The girl whimpered again.

"Christ, fine, I'll help you!" the pale man snapped. "But only because you've got nice tits."

As they watched, the pale man kneeled beside the girl, placing an arm around her shoulders, and – to their astonishment, and Trunks's horror – he opened his mouth and sank his fangs into her neck.

"No!" Trunks yelled. He burst out from behind the building and rocketed forward towards the pale man, drawing one fist back to strike.

"Oh, God damn it!" Piccolo snapped, launching himself after Trunks. Vegeta was right behind him.

.

Just as Alucard bit into the police girl's neck, waiting for the bite to take effect and begin her transition, the sound of a yell reached his keen ears.

"Huh?" He turned, just as a hurtling fist slammed into his face, knocking him backwards and sending him tumbling across the clearing.

The vampire rolled to a stop and jumped to his feet, just in time to see a young guy with lavender hair standing protectively over the girl. Obviously, he was the owner of that fist.

"What was that for?" Alucard protested.

"Stay away from her!" the kid yelled, entering some kind of fighting stance.

"Oh, for the love of…" Alucard sighed. "I really don't have time for this right now. If I'm not back by midnight, my supervisor is going to blow a gasket. Not that I don't enjoy causing that, but it's _suuuper_ annoying when she lectures me about it. So, as much as I'd enjoy killing you, could we do this another time?"

The kid stared at him for a moment, dumbstruck. "I… _what?_"

"If you don't mind, that is." The vampire smiled faintly. "Also, I really need to finish with that girl, so if you wouldn't mind–"

"No way in hell!" the kid snarled, instantly back on his guard. "I'm not letting you near her again!"

"Well, if you don't, she's going to die," Alucard replied honestly. "I was about to save her, when _somebody_ decided to punch me in the face. So, you can either let me do help her, or I can go _through_ you – literally. Fair warning; it'll be violent. _Very_ violent."

"Trunks, back off!" another voice called, as a tall guy with green skin, wearing a purple outfit, a white cape with shoulder pads, and a turban, appeared behind the purple-haired kid. It took Alucard a second to realize that he had dropped from overhead.

Alucard raised an eyebrow. "Wow, someone with even worse fashion sense than me. That's neat."

"Hey!" the green guy exclaimed in irritation.

Privately, Alucard thought, _I must overcome this man. I have a fashion rival, and I must vanquish him. Also, just as an observation; he's a green, flying man with a cape and turban, and that's fucking weird._

"Okay, so are we going to fight, talk, or what?" another male voice interrupted, as a short guy with spiked-up black hair dropped out of the air and landed next to the purple-haired boy.

_And now this one can fly too,_ Alucard observed with interest. _Huh._

"Honestly, I'm open to either one," he replied. "But, either way, I'd like to save that girl's life first."

.

Upon hearing the pale man's request, Vegeta shrugged. "Yeah, sure, go ahead. Whatever."

Trunks gawked at him incredulously. "But, Dad–"

"Oh, just _relax_, would you?" the Saiyan prince snapped. He nodded to the pale man, pulling Trunks away from the girl. "All yours."

The pale man grinned. "Thanks." He walked across to the girl, crouched down beside her, picked her up, and bit into her neck again.

Trunks winced, turned and looked away.

"So, not to sound rude, but biting her neck doesn't exactly seem like something that would save someone's life," Piccolo pointed out.

The pale man pulled back for a moment. "Well, if you must know, I'm a vampire, and she's dying, so the only way I can help her is by turning her into a vampire. Which I am now doing." With that, he bit down on her neck again.

Vegeta groaned audibly. "You have _got_ to be kidding me," he muttered.

"Wait, wait, wait," Piccolo replied. "You're a _vampire?_"

"Well, do I look human to you?" the pale man mumbled, before biting down again.

Vegeta considered that for a moment, and then shook his head. "Uh… yeah, I'm gonna go with _no_."

"Well, then there's your answer," the pale man replied promptly. "Now, for the love of Christ, _let me finish in peace_, would you?"

.

Once the pale man – the vampire, that is – was finished with the process of turning the girl into a vampire, he led the way back through the forest, carrying her unconscious body in his arms. Vegeta, Trunks and Piccolo followed, not sure why they'd chosen to accompany him.

"So, where exactly are we going?" Piccolo spoke up.

"My home," the vampire replied. "Don't worry, you're with me; the guards shouldn't cause you any trouble." He glanced back at them. "By the way, I saw you flying back there; how did you do that?"

"Long story," the Namekian countered.

The vampire shrugged. "Fair enough. Can I get your names, though? Might help when I have to explain to my boss why I brought the three of you along."

"Yeah, that's fine. I'm Piccolo, this is Vegeta, and that's Trunks." Piccolo indicated each of the other two as he spoke. "And what's _your_ name?"

A grin flickered across the vampire's face. "Alucard. Head operative of the Hellsing Organization, immortal vampire, defender of the world from evil, and – my own personal favorite – bitch-master extraordinaire." He smirked, shaking Piccolo's hand. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Same to you."

.

_AN: Hello, everyone, and welcome to my newest story, _An Unusual Alliance_! Now, as some of you may be noticing, this isn't exactly a serious crossover between Dragon Ball Z and Hellsing Ultimate; instead, this is actually a parody crossover. This story is a crossover between two famous Abridged parody series; TeamFourStar's _DBZ Abridged_ and _Hellsing Ultimate Abridged_. I only got into watching Hellsing Ultimate Abridged fairly recently, and when I saw it for the first time, I randomly got an idea; "What would happen if these two shows had a crossover?" And so, I decided to write one. Unfortunately, this story will have a limit to how much I can write for it, since it'll be following the events of _Hellsing Abridged_, and that series updates VERY slowly (literally only one new episode a year, I think). So, I'll write it until it's up to the end of Episode 4 of _Hellsing Abridged_ (the newest one, for now), and then it'll just be on hiatus until the next episode comes out. So, for now, enjoy the story!_

_I greatly appreciate receiving feedback on my writing, so if anyone has a question or comment regarding this chapter or the story as a whole, please review! (No hate, please; that's not fun for me or for anyone else who has to read it.)_

_See you all next time!_


	2. Taking the Shot

**Disclaimer**

**(Edward [with absolutely no emotion whatsoever]): "The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT and their respective franchises are the property of Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Koura Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Dragon Ball Z Abridged and Hellsing Ultimate Abridged are the property of TeamFourStar and Takahata101. Please support the official and unofficial release."**

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**Chapter 2: Taking the Shot**

_Headquarters of the Hellsing Organization_

_Planet Earth, Hellsing Universe, 2006_

"So, that's your field report?" Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing inquired over the phone.

"Yep," Alucard replied promptly.

"You went on a walk through the forest at midnight."

"Yep."

"You killed a homicidal vampire priest…"

"Dead."

"You brought three unauthorized personnel back to the base."

Alucard glanced over to where Vegeta, Piccolo and Trunks, along with the police girl, were seated on some armchairs that he'd brought out for them. "Yep."

"And you turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a…"

"_Big-tittied police girl_; yes, it's like I didn't just get through explaining this. Now, if you don't mind, I've got things to do."

"What things?" Integra asked incredulously. "You don't _do things!_"

"Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods."

"And kill homicidal vampire priests?"

"_Very_ enthusiastic walks."

"Oh, forget it." With that, Integra hung up.

Alucard grinned, setting the phone down and turning back to his guests. "I love it when she gets like that. So, anyway, as I was saying before… welcome to the Hellsing Organization."

Trunks looked around the large room with interest. "What is this place?" he asked.

"A top-secret government operation, dedicated to dealing with various different threats to the world," Alucard explained. "Most of those threats are supernatural in nature, which is where I come in."

"Well, that's great, but we've got a problem," Piccolo interrupted. "We need to figure out what the hell happened to the three of us, and how we got here."

"'Here' meaning what, exactly?" Alucard inquired. "I mean, are we talking about this organization, England, Earth, what?"

"The hell is England?" Vegeta interrupted.

Alucard raised an eyebrow. "England? The country? The one that we're all currently in?"

Piccolo and Trunks exchanged a glance.

"Nope, never heard of it," Piccolo replied. "Would you happen to know where a place called Gingertown is, though? That's where we were headed before… well, before whatever the hell that was happened."

"Sorry, no, I've never heard of a 'Gingertown'," Alucard answered.

Piccolo's eyes narrowed. _Huh. Countries we've never heard of before… there are monsters and vampires here, and the people are completely different from what I'm familiar with… it went from day to night in a split second when we were transported here… and I can't sense any of our friends' energy signatures anywhere on the planet._

"_So… what does that mean?"_ Nail's voice echoed in his head.

_No idea,_ Piccolo thought flatly, _but it can't be good._

"Well, anyway," Alucard continued, "until we can figure out how to get you three back to wherever you belong, you're welcome to stay here. We can always use the help; our personnel keep… well, dying."

"Oh, great," Trunks muttered.

"Yeah, sure, why not?" Vegeta replied casually.

Trunks's eyes widened. "Wait, what?"

Piccolo blinked. "Wait, what?"

Vegeta shrugged. "It's not like we have anything better to do, until we can figure out what the hell happened to us."

Alucard grinned. "Oh, this is going to be _great_."

.

**One Week Later**

Vegeta found himself standing outside a large mansion. The moon gleamed silver in the sky overhead.

"So, why are we here again?" he asked.

"There are a couple of so-called vampires living in this place," Alucard replied casually. "Integra wants us to take them out."

"All right, then." Vegeta was wearing a new outfit that had been designed in an attempt to blend in, since his Saiyan battle armor was very distinctive. It consisted of loose-fitting black pants, a black tank top, and a black leather jacket. The overall attire gave him the general look of a biker (or the Terminator), especially with the gleaming sunglasses that Alucard had persuaded him to add to the outfit.

Normally, Vegeta would have strongly protested against any change to his attire, but once they'd actually shown him the outfit, he'd been quite enthusiastic about it. In his words, "it looked badass".

"So, how are we supposed to do this?" Vegeta glanced up at the windows. "Do we just kick in the door?"

Alucard smirked. "No, no, no. Trust me, I have a _much_ better way of handling this." He strolled nonchalantly up to the front door; Vegeta followed behind him. Trunks and Seras (aka "the Police Girl") had been sent up to the roof, while Piccolo was hovering over the house, keeping an eye out for anyone attempting to flee the mansion.

When he reached the door, Alucard paused, apparently listening to something inside the house. He glanced back and motioned for Vegeta to come closer. "Come here," he muttered gleefully, chuckling under his breath. "You have to hear this."

Somewhat hesitantly, the Saiyan prince made his way over to the doorway and placed one ear against the wood, listening closely. At first, he didn't hear anything. After a few seconds, though, he managed to pick up the muffled sounds of voices coming from inside the mansion. Once the voices became audible, he raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"…Oh, yes…" a female voice was murmuring. "I love you, Edward!"

"And I… love you… Bella." This voice, presumably belonging to Edward, was quite possibly the most robotic, emotionless voice imaginable.

"Okay, that has _got_ to be on purpose," Alucard whispered. "I don't even know any vampires who could sound that dead without putting in some serious effort."

"So what are we doing?" Vegeta hissed back. "I could just blow up the house…"

"Nah." Alucard shook his head. "I've got a better idea." He then proceeded to deliver four loud knocks on the front door.

Vegeta sighed. "You cannot be serious."

"No, shut up, this is going to be great."

"Hold on," Edward intoned, walking towards the front door. "Who is it?" This last one sounded a bit more active.

"Oh, you know…" In a blur of motion, Alucard drew his oversized pistol, pointing it at the door at chest height, and started pulling the trigger repeatedly as quickly as possible.

Several dozen bullets tore through the door in less than ten seconds. A series of agonized screams echoed from the hallway, followed by the sound of a body crumpling to the floor.

When he heard the body fall, Alucard finally stopped firing. He lowered his pistol and grinned. "A _real_ fucking vampire."

Vegeta was staring wide-eyed at the vampire.

"This is going to be a beautiful friendship," he muttered.

.

"_Hey, Police Girl, do you have the target?"_ Alucard's voice asked over the headset radio.

Seras Victoria was lying flat on the roof of the mansion, gazing down the barrel of the massive sniper rifle that she'd been given for this mission. In the distance, Bella was racing frantically down the middle of the road.

Trunks, who was crouched on the roof nearby, was trying to focus on the target, so that he could take Bella out with an energy blast in the event that Seras's shot missed. However, he was finding it difficult to maintain his attention. This was due to the fact that Seras was currently facing away from him and bent over, while wearing an oddly short skirt. She didn't seem to have any idea that it was bothering him, but since Trunks was only about eighteen years old, it was definitely making it hard for him to concentrate on the mission.

Upon receiving the signal, she sat up, frowning. "Okay, Master? My _name_ is Seras." Leaning back down, she looked into the scope, refocusing on Bella. "And yes, I have the target in sight."

"_Well, better take the shot; you're letting her get away."_

"If you'd just give me a second to concentrate, I could–"

"She's getting away," Alucard interrupted, appearing on the roof directly behind them with Vegeta in tow. "She's _running_…"

Seras's eyes glowed, changing from their normal blue to a bright, blood-red. "I get it! I'm lining up the–"

"Going to miss it, going to miss it!" Alucard chanted, grinning.

"_Just be quiet and let me–_"

"Hey, Police Girl! Hey! _Hey, Police Girl!_"

With a snarl, Seras pulled the trigger. A loud _boom_ echoed across the rooftop, as the huge gun jolted backwards against its firer.

About half a mile up the road, Bella's torso abruptly exploded as the high-caliber bullet tore straight through her. The woman's body pitched forward, crashing to the ground and skidding for a few yards before she came to a halt.

"_There!_" Seras yelled. "I took the fucking shot! She's dead, there's blood everywhere!"

Trunks's jaw was hanging open. "Um…"

Alucard's grin widened, if such a thing were possible. "Oh, you are just a treat."

.

_Headquarters of the Hellsing Organization_

"So that's your field report?" Integra asked again, using exactly the same tone that she'd used the previous week.

"Yep," Alucard replied.

"So you broke into the house…"

"Yep."

"And you shot him thirty-six times."

"Thirty-_seven_," Alucard corrected.

"_And_ took out his partner."

"To be fair, that was the Police Girl. With the big titties."

Integra sighed. "You _need_ to stop going on walks."

"And _you_ need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here!"

Trunks looked up. "You don't have an Internet connection?"

Piccolo's eyes widened. "_You don't have an Internet connection?_"

"Oh, for God's sake, just _listen!_" Integra snapped. "You have an assignment in Ireland."

"Ooh, I've never hunted down a leprechaun before." A smirk flickered across the vampire's face. "Do you think if I shot one with my gun, Lucky Charms would explode everywhere?"

Vegeta burst out laughing.

"Sweet Christ," Integra muttered. "Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital… and bring the Police Girl and your other three friends with you."

"Aw, come on, I have to bring them _everywhere!_" Alucard complained.

"Ah, ah, ah, none of the sass."

"Yes, _Mom._" Alucard hung up the phone and turned to the others, grinning. "So, who's up for a trip to Ireland?"

"Where's that?" Piccolo asked.

"You know, this thing about you three not knowing anything about the world is starting to get annoying. Remind me to make sure Integra gets that damn DSL installed, so I can show you some Google Earth photos. In the meantime, though…" Alucard spread his arms wide. "Let's go kill some vampires!"

.

_Italy…_

The peaceful, warm afternoon did not distract either of the men standing on the large lawn outside their church. One of them was tall and muscular, with spiked-up blonde hair, a gray trenchcoat, and shining, mirror-like sunglasses. The other was much older, nearly bald, but his keen dark eyes contained an acute intelligence.

"So, what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Brian'O'Sullivan, who is also Italian?" the younger man inquired.

"Tell-a me, Anderson," his older counterpart replied conversationally. "What is your favorite thing to do?"

Alexander Anderson smiled. "Spreadin' the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all!"

"And-a killing-a vampires?"

"Ah, just try to fuckin' stop me!" Anderson answered gleefully.

"And what about… Protestants?"

"Second verse, same as the first!" The Paladin's eyes gleamed with a dangerous light. "Now put me on a plane, so I can put 'em in a hearse!"

.

Trunks and Seras sat outside the door of an abandoned hospital wing in Ireland. The sounds of gunfire, energy blasts, and snarls echoed from behind the door.

"Hey, Police Girl!" Alucard called from the other side of the closed doors. "_Police Girl!_ This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like… forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they _explode!_" There was another gunshot, followed by a splattering sound. "This is like House of the Dead, only… like a hundred times more awesome!"

"Come on, Trunks!" Vegeta called. "Don't be a pansy; get in here and bust some heads! You're supposed to be a Saiyan; act like it for once in your life!"

"Oh, for the love of…" Trunks clenched his hands into fists and glanced over at Seras.

She shrugged. "Might as well."

The adolescent half-Saiyan sighed. "Whatever."

A powerful _kiai_ from Trunks smashed the doors off their hinges, sending them crashing back against the walls.

Seras tuck-and-rolled through the space where the doors had been into the room beyond, with Trunks rushing through right behind her. She shifted into a crouching position, propping herself up on one knee, and yelled, "Fine, I'll shoot some-o' the rotten bastards!" Taking aim, she muttered, "Can't be that much fun," and fired, blowing one of the zombies' heads off.

Her eyes flashed red. "Oh, fuck the hell _yes._"

She became a blur of motion, firing repeatedly, each shot ripping through one of the zombies. Her fangs were bared, and her eyes blazed crimson.

Alucard, Vegeta, Piccolo, and Trunks were momentarily dumbstruck, watching as Seras tore through the rest of the zombies as if they were made of paper.

After about twenty seconds, it was over. Seras came to a stop, crushing the last remaining zombie's skull under her foot. Her hands were covered in blood, and she was breathing heavily, but exhilarated.

"Sweet Black fucking Sabbath," Alucard said to himself, taking a step forward. "If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Integra–" _Mainly because I want to prove that she even _has_ a sex drive,_ he reminded himself. "–I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes."

Trunks felt a burst of irritation at that remark, but he wasn't sure why.

As Seras lifted one hand to her face, about to lick some of the blood off her palm, there was a blur of movement, and a glowing blue blade stabbed straight through her chest. A moment later, half a dozen more blades drove through her torso alongside the first.

"Seras!" Trunks yelled in horror.

Piccolo flinched back. "What the hell?!"

"Well, kinda like that," Alucard remarked, "only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina."

The sound of footsteps, coming from down the long, darkened hallway, drew their attention.

"Huh?" Alucard turned, inhaling a deep breath of air. "Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here."

As they watched, a tall man rounded the corner. He had tan skin and spiked-up, dirty-blonde hair, and was wearing a large, dark gray trenchcoat and round glasses that glowed blue. He carried a glowing blue sword in one hand, and he wore a golden cross necklace around his neck.

"Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church," Alucard remarked with a faint grin. "And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch. _Progress._"

"Ah, look at what we have here?" the stranger shot back with a cruel grin. "A bloody heathen!" His voice was heavily accented.

Alucard's eyes narrowed behind the glowing orange lenses of his glasses. "Excuse me, but I am a _fuckmothering vampire._ I've killed a _lot_ of people to get this title; I deserve to be called such."

The stranger raised an eyebrow. "Well, then. Mind if I ask you your name?"

"Only if you give yours first, papist."

"Ooh, good one," Piccolo commented under his breath.

"_Do you mind?"_ Kami's voice spoke up in his head.

_Oh, shut up,_ Piccolo thought.

"Fine," the stranger replied, ignoring the Namekian's internal dialogue. "I'll give you the courtesy." His eyes narrowed. "The name's Alexander Anderson."

There was a brief pause.

"So are we supposed to clap, or something?" Vegeta asked.

Anderson grinned savagely. "You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world!" With a flourish, he yanked one of his other swords out of Seras's back and brandished both weapons. "You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later!" He held up both weapons, clashing their blades together with a ringing _clang_ to form a cross-shape, and then twisted the blades, causing them to scrape against each other and throw off sparks and crackling arcs of electricity. "Except you won't! 'Cause I'll have killed ya!" He burst out laughing, the sound echoing throughout the abandoned building.

Alucard raised an eyebrow, unmoved. "Oh, my. Brilliant speech… and unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints."

Anderson's eyes widened. "What?! No, it isn't! I came up with that a week ago!"

"Whatever."

"We're here for the vampire," Vegeta spoke up. "Any idea where he is?"

"The only one left here is your sorry pale arse," Anderson shot back, indicating Alucard.

Seras gasped, blood gurgling, as Trunks began pulling the remaining swords out of her back.

"Yeah, yeah, give me a minute," Alucard replied with a glance in her direction, before turning back to face Anderson. "So what do you want, anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away."

Piccolo winced. "_Ouch._"

Anderson didn't bother reacting to the insult. "It is your corrupt I claim!" He advanced, holding both swords out to the sides with the blades pointing downward. "It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath!"

"_Boondock. Saints._ Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously." Alucard chuckled. "Heh. Get it?"

"Okay, ya know what? Fuck it. Knife."

Alucard frowned. "Knife?"

Abruptly, there was a blur of motion from Anderson, and a large knife buried itself in Alucard's chest, just below his collarbone. Blood spurted, and he staggered.

"Master!" Seras gasped, horrified, as Trunks pulled out the last sword.

Alucard took a step backwards, but didn't bother reaching for the knife. Instead, he drew his oversized pistol at super-speed, raising it to point directly at Anderson. "Boom." He fired, the bullet hitting the Paladin directly in the forehead and blowing a hole through his skull.

Anderson crumpled to the floor without a sound.

"Headshot," Alucard finished. Holstering his gun, he yanked the knife out of his chest and tossed it to the floor, the wound healing instantly.

Trunks helped Seras to her feet. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Seras nodded. "Yeah… yeah, I'm fine."

"Well, now that that's over," Alucard said conversationally as he turned back to them, "how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Choc–"

There was another blur of blue light, and a glowing sword sliced straight through Alucard's neck, decapitating him. His headless body collapsed.

"_Master!_" Seras cried in disbelief.

"Well," Anderson said in satisfaction as the bullet hole in his forehead healed and disappeared, "now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Frankenberr–" He turned, his eyes widening in surprise as he realized that all four of the others were gone. "Oh, _son of a Protestant whore!_"

He sighed. "Well, you know what time it is!" He entered a fighting stance, raising both swords, and took off into the darkness with a wild grin on his face.

.

"See?" Seras murmured under her breath as she carried Alucard's severed head along one of the hospital's dark hallways, leaning on Trunks's shoulder to support herself. "This kind of shit is why I stopped going to church."

"Dad, do you remember where we came in here?" Trunks called.

"How the hell should I know?" Vegeta snapped. "I was a little too busy killing zombies!"

"You know, you two might want to be quiet," Piccolo interrupted. "In case you forgot, that guy's behind us somewhere."

Unbeknownst to any of them, Alucard was actually still conscious. _Hmm… how should I handle this?_

A grin appeared on his face, although it was only for an instant before he returned to a blank expression. _Now _that_ sounds good._

_Police Girl…_ he murmured telepathically. _Poliiiice Girrrl. You are reading your Master's miiind. Put my heeaad between your booooobs._

"I'm all alone," Seras whispered to herself as the three others continued arguing. She hugged Alucard's head to her chest. "The only one I had left was you."

For a moment, Alucard was astonished. _That actually worked?!_ Then he grinned again, since no one could see his face at the moment, and continued, his telepathic "voice" now muffled. _Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is, put me between your leegs–_

_Thwack._ Abruptly, a knife hit his severed head, hurling him out of Seras's arms and impaling him into the wall. _God damn it!_

Vegeta, Piccolo, Trunks and Seras whipped around.

"It's a shame, for ya lost your head. A careless vampire who wound up dead." Anderson slunk out of the shadows, both swords drawn, and a smirk on his face. "You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies."

_What do I do? What do I do?!_ Seras thought desperately. _I… I could try seducing him. Wait, no! I'm not an eight-year-old boy! Shit!_

"Say your prayers, wee lass!" Anderson raised both swords to strike.

Trunks gritted his teeth, drawing a fist back and taking a step forward. Before he could power up and attack, however, the Paladin swung his swords down… only to have them interrupted by a salvo of bullets that shattered both blades before they could hit Seras.

"That girl belongs to me," Integra's voice rang out coolly.

_Whoa_, Vegeta thought appreciatively. _She'd definitely get along with Bulma._

"Well, aren't _you_ the naughty one," Anderson commented as he turned to face her, discarding his broken swords.

"Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head." Clearly, Integra was in no mood for casual conversation.

"What the hell do you want, ya crazy Protestant bastard?"

Her eyes narrowed. "I'm a _woman_."

"Call yourself whatever ya want, ya crazy Protestant bastard!"

"You do know, this is a grave violation of our agreement," Integra stated, as two Hellsing operatives in dark suits took up positions behind her.

"And what part would that be?"

"The part where you're _here_, killing my men!"

In a blur of motion, Anderson drew two more swords from inside his trenchcoat. With two swift blows, he beheaded both of the Hellsing guards flanking Integra, and then drove one of the swords point-first into the wall next to her head, resting the other blade across her throat. "I have no idea what yer on about!" he replied, his glasses only a few inches from her eyes. "I'm just here doin' my job! Killin' vampires and werewolves and leprechauns… I've never actually found one, but do ye think if I cut one open with my knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?"

"Just shut up!" Integra snapped, still totally unafraid. "Where the hell is Alucard?"

"Oh, him?" Anderson chuckled. "I _killed_ him!"

Integra's eyes widened in surprise. "Killed him?"

"Cut off his bloody head!"

"Oh." She seemed relieved, and a grin actually appeared on her face. "Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?"

"Wait, what?" Vegeta asked.

"Wait, what?" Piccolo's eyes widened.

Anderson grimaced. "Ah, Christ!" Before he could do anything else, Trunks's fist slammed into his face, causing him to lose his grip on the sword that was stuck in the wall and sending him tumbling over backwards, away from Integra.

A rushing sound drew their attention to the other side of the hallway, just in time to see Alucard's severed head rise off the floor amid a vortex of swirling shadows. A neck and torso quickly grew down from the base of his head, followed by legs. His arms regenerated last, swiftly extending out to their full length.

"Wow," Piccolo muttered. "I don't think even _I_ could do that."

Alucard's glowing red eyes fixed on Anderson. "You done goofed."

Anderson, who had just picked himself up from Trunks's attack, was gawking incredulously at the resurrected vampire. "How the blood-soaked Protestant Hell did ya do that?!" he spluttered.

"Fuck you, that's how," Alucard replied promptly.

"Ya know what? I've had enough o' this." Anderson pulled a copy of the Bible out of his trenchcoat with his free hand and flipped it open. The book began to glow, and several hundred luminous pages flew out of it, swirling around him. "To Hell with all ya dirty heathens!"

With a flash of light, he vanished into thin air.

Alucard grinned. "Eat me! Don't forget to write!" he called after the departed Paladin.

"Oh, my god." Seras fell to her knees, clutching her sniper rifle. "We survived!"

"Hey, didn't you drop that earlier?" Piccolo inquired.

"Hey, check this out," Trunks interrupted him, pulling the sword that Anderson had dropped from the wall and holding it up. "Neat." He swung it a few times, getting the feel for it. "I could use a new sword, since the androids broke my old one before we were transported here." He glanced over to Integra. "Mind if I keep this one?"

She shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

Alucard chose that moment to speak up. "So…"

Integra scowled. "What?"

"Do I get to go after him?"

"No."

"Aw, come on!"

"No, and that's _final!_ We've got bigger things to worry about." Integra looked at each member of the group in turn. "Whoever's behind these vampire attacks, it has to be some kind of large, organized group."

Alucard raised a hand. "Like the Nazis?"

"That would be retarded."

.

_Meanwhile…_

Hundreds of soldiers in black uniforms stood in a neat formation within a huge room. A large swastika symbol was emblazoned on the center of the floor.

A single figure sat in a large chair on a dais at the front of the room. "Gentlemen…" he began, in a high-pitched voice. "Ve… are Nazis."

"_Seig Heil! Sieg Heil!_" the soldiers chanted.

"Und ve… vill have waaar."

"_Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!_"

The leader's yellow eyes gleamed. "Und ve… und ve… achoo!"

"_Gesundheit! Gesundheit!_"

.

_And here we are again. Hello, everyone! I hope you all enjoyed the newest chapter of _An Unusual Alliance_! Sorry to those who may have wanted more participation from the three Z-Fighters in this chapter, but don't worry, they'll become more involved as the story goes on._

_Shoutouts to TehUnoman, Chooch77, HeavyJ15, jhud, KUMA-Fury19, and Ulquiorra Schiffer 007 for reviewing! You guys are awesome!_

_As always, I tremendously appreciate receiving feedback on my work, so if anyone has any questions or comments regarding this chapter or the story as a whole, please review!_

_Next chapter, an attack on the Hellsing Organization forces the team to confront a new enemy, and Piccolo realizes that their group may not be the only people to have been drawn across the boundary between universes… stay tuned!_

_See you all next time!_

_Review Q&amp;A:_

_Q: …If TFS doesn't notice this, I'm going to be outright pissed…_

_A: Um… thanks? Depending on whether you meant that in a good way?_

_Q: Oh, this is going to be good. Please continue it!_

_A: Thanks, I'm glad you like it!_

_Q: __AWESOME STORY! CANT WAIT FOR ALUCARD AND HIS NEW KILLING BUDDIES TO BLOW SHIT UP. ALSO CAN YOU MAKE IT SO TRUNKS FUCKS SERAS!? I WANNA READ ABOUT VAMPIRE SAYIAN HYBRIDS! Sorry about the caps I used my AluCARD to much and it corrupted me. Hehheh. CANT WAIT TO READ MORE ABOUT THE CRIMSON FUCKER!_

_A: Well, I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. Hmm… will Trunks and Seras be a thing? Maybe!_

_Q: Muahahahahahahahahaha, the evil carnage._

_A: I'm… not sure how to respond to that._

_Q: __Oh I love this! I'm a big fan of TeamFourStar, of course Hellsing Ultimate Abridged &amp; Dragon Ball Z Abridged too, so having you combine the two is just awesome. Especially Alucard and Vegeta, this is going to be so much fun. Can't wait for a new chapter!_

_A: Yeah, I love both of those series too; that's why I decided to write this story, once I saw that nobody else was writing a crossover between them. And yeah, the banter between Alucard and Vegeta is going to be awesome._

_Q: awesome! Very nice story! I like it! Your writing skills are very impressive! And don't u dare leave this story hanging! Plz update soon!_

_A: Thanks!_


	3. My Bloody Valentines

**Disclaimer**

**(Alexander Anderson): "The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT and their respective franchises are the property of Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Koura Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Dragon Ball Z Abridged and Hellsing Ultimate Abridged are the property of TeamFourStar and Takahata101. Please support the official and unofficial release, ya Protestant fuckbucket."**

.

**Chapter 3: My Bloody Valentines**

_Headquarters of the Hellsing Organization_

_Planet Earth, Hellsing Universe, 2006_

"Hello, Alucard," Integra said over the phone. "How was your mission in Japan?"

"Eh, I'd say ninety-nine… point-nine… percent done," Alucard replied casually. "'Sup, bitch?"

Vegeta smirked, remembering that the vampire had elected to leave one ghoul alive just for the fun of it.

Of course, Vegeta's blowing up half a dozen blocks of Tokyo real estate, both as a way to eliminate the ghouls and "relieve tension", had also been irresponsible, and a tad extreme... which was why their team had made a collective decision to pass it off as a gas leak.

"I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today," Integra continued.

"Are they hookers?" Alucard asked immediately.

"No."

"And like that, you've lost me."

"They're our financial suppliers," she explained.

Alucard grinned. "Oh, man, they have to _hate_ us."

"They do," Integra confirmed. "That's why they cancelled our budget."

"Oh, great," Vegeta muttered.

"Oooh, that's bad," Alucard observed. "We need that, right? Walter, we need that, right?"

"Yes, very important," Walter replied promptly.

"Thank you, Walter."

"Of course, sir."

"Over the last couple of years," Integra continued, "we've had some… _expensive_ claims."

Alucard raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"First off, property damage."

Vegeta raised an eyebrow in Piccolo's direction, reminding the Namekian of the time a couple of weeks ago when he'd blown up a sizable portion of Paris to take out a swarm of zombies. Piccolo made a point of looking away.

"Good times," Alucard reflected.

"Dozens of noise complaints."

Alucard grinned, pressing a button on the boombox next to him and filling the air with blasting metal music. Trunks and Piccolo flinched, clapping their hands over their ears.

"Sorry, I can't hear you!" Alucard called over the music. He nodded to Seras, who switched off the music.

"Killing at least a dozen innocent people."

"Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a _fucking_ Oscar for it," Alucard shot back. This time, he actually sounded irritated.

"_And_…" Integra paused. "All of the sexual harassment."

All eyes turned to Alucard.

"…I'm not apologizing."

"Listen," Integra continued, "I know this is asking a lot, but…"

"Buuuut?" Alucard trailed off meaningfully, grinning.

"I need you to keep yourself and your friends locked in the basement until all of them are gone."

He frowned. "I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me."

"_Alucard…_"

"I'm gonna go with _no_."

"This is important, and I don't need you causing another scene!"

"I don't have to take this: I'm going for a walk."

Vegeta burst out laughing.

"No, you don't!" Integra snapped.

Alucard raised an eyebrow. "Oh, what are you gonna do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael Mc-_Doesn'tExist_?"

After a moment, she sighed. "What do you want?"

"What?" Alucard smirked, acknowledging his victory.

"What... do I need to give you... to keep you down here for the evening?"

The vampire considered for a moment, tapping one index finger against his chin. "I'm going to need a new gun. Also one for the Police Girl."

"But I already have a gun," Seras protested.

"Get that bitch a cannon. Bitches love cannons."

Vegeta grinned. "Agreed."

"Anything else?" Integra asked sarcastically.

"A seventy-inch plasma widescreen TV."

"Really?"

"With Netflix."

"Should it also be 3D?"

"_No, that's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!_" Alucard snapped, and slammed down the phone. He glanced up, seeing the startled expressions on the others' faces, and shrugged. "What? It totally is."

.

"Hello, gentlemen," Integra greeted the circle of businessmen gathered around the round conference table. "Thank you very much for accepting my invitation."

"Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do," Sir Penward, vice admiral of the British Security Council, replied.

Integra nodded. "Now, before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the queen."

"Oh, it is," another man, this one wearing gloves, answered. "But we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses."

"Most of them under the name... Alucard?" Penward added.

She inhaled deeply. "...Continue."

"For example," the second speaker continued, "some of them were frankly labeled 'entertainment'."

"Entertainment."

"Quite." One of the younger council members raised an eyebrow as he scanned his notes. "Like, in my report, twenty thousand for a... candy?"

"That's Candi with an I, by the way," an older man added.

"I see." Integra really didn't have anything to say to that.

"Not to mention the priceless antique car," the man wearing gloves said. "I believe the note on the claim was, 'I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it.'"

She blinked. "So _that's_ why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen."

"And then there's also the Dairy Queen," Penward spoke up, "sitting at about ninety-five thousand..."

Integra's only thought was, _I would give fucking _anything_ right now to get out of this._

.

"And halfway through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!" Jan Valentine exclaimed.

"I _really_ don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you," his older brother Luke muttered as they walked down the long, tree-lined driveway leading towards the Hellsing estate.

"I mean, I still _finished_, but what kind of shit is that?"

"For God's sakes, Jan, think of Mother!" Luke pleaded.

Jan paused for a moment. "I ain't jerkin' off right now," he replied casually.

"Oi, you two!" one of the two security guards outside the front gate called out. "The grounds are currently closed!"

"Aw, man, that totally sucks!" Jan pouted. "And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!" He pointed back over his shoulder, just as a large blue tour bus pulled up behind them, side-on to the gate.

"Where from?" the guard inquired.

As Jan grinned, the barrels of dozens of assault rifles emerged from open slits in the sides of the bus.

"Texas." With that, Jan snapped his fingers, and all of the rifles opened fire simultaneously. The hail of bullets practically shredded the two guards, as well as the gate behind them.

After about ten seconds of firing, the smoke cleared, and the Valentine brothers surveyed the wrecked gates with satisfaction.

"Ah, shit," Jan remarked with a grin. "Looks like we need more prayer in schools."

"If you're quite finished," Luke interrupted, "ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion."

"Alrighty!" Jan chuckled. "Attention, all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order!" At his command, the bus's doors exploded outwards, and a column of men with body armor and glowing purple eyes, carrying assault rifles and large metal riot shields, filed out through the empty spaces where they'd been.

Then, on the heels of the army of ghouls, five hooded figures exited the bus. One was short, no more than four feet tall: the others were all at least six feet in height.

"Are we prepared?" the short figure asked, in a high-pitched, grating voice.

"Yep," Jan replied carelessly. "All systems are go!"

Luke glanced over at their "partners" for this mission. "You understand your mission?"

"Of course I do," the leader snapped. "Do you take me for a fool, creature? I understand my part in this plan perfectly well. Now, let us get on with this."

"Sounds good to me!" Jan commented. "I'm gettin' tired of standing around." Grinning, he was handed a pair of large sniper rifles by two of the ghouls, and hoisted them into the air. "Now listen up! I've got a class assignment for all y'all."

.

"...and while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again!" one of the council members was saying.

Integra sighed, leaning on the palm of her hand. She lifted her head when the lights in the conference room flickered.

The council members noticed as well. "That's funny," Penward observed. "We weren't cutting the power just yet."

"Oh, shit," Integra muttered, reaching for the phone and pressing a button to call up the front desk. "Front desk, report. What's going on?"

"_Oh, yeah. Yeah, hold on,_" a bored-sounding male voice answered. "_Just gimme a second._" The sounds of footsteps reached her ears, first growing fainter, then louder again. Then he added, "_Oh, yeah, it's ghouls. Definitely, definitely ghou... OHMYGOD!_"

There was a snarl, and the line went dead.

Sir Penward's eyes widened in horror. "Sir Integra, do something!"

"Calm down!" Integra ordered. "We have over one hundred trained guards on the premises at all times. We have everything under control."

A dulled explosion reached their ears: the lights flickered again, and some dust fell from the ceiling.

One of the councilors blinked. "What was that?"

"That was probably the escape chopper exploding," Integra said flatly. "As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update." She pressed another button on her computer. "Communications, come in. We need a full report..." The sound of crying cut her off.

"_Read the fuckin' paper,_" a male voice ordered.

_Oh, shit,_ Integra thought.

"_H-Hey there... Integra..._"

"_Read it fuckin' _right_, cockhole!_" There was the sound of a slap.

"_H-Hey there, you... fat... English whore..._" More crying.

"_That's more like it. Now keep going._"

"_Me... and my big brother Luke... are killing... all of your men, and turning them... into ghouls. So... I hope you've... made peace... with yourself... 'cause when... I find you... I'm gonna... Oh, god..._"

"_Keep reading, **or I shoot the other testicle!**_"

"_CausewhenIfindyou I'm gonna fuck every hole you've goooot!_" the man sobbed. "_And then I'm just gonna keep making more holes to fuck... until there's nothing left but your ruined corpse full of blood... and semen..._" He kept crying. "_Oh, god, this is horrible..._"

"_You ain't finished yet!_"

"_So... prepare... your dried-up pussy... for my huge vampire cock!_" He paused. "_Now... pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO–_" The sound of a gunshot cut him off.

"_Hahahaha! Oh, his fuckin' face, man! Aha, fuck! Hehehehe! Oh, that shit is priceless!_" With a click, the other guy hung up the phone.

The only thought that entered Integra's mind at that moment, laced with absolute hatred, was, _I am going to personally kill this God-forsaken son of a bitch. And I will make it slow and painful_.

She obviously didn't say that, of course: she had to keep up appearances. Instead, she immediately switched over to the line connected to Alucard's telephone. "Alucard, get up here _now_! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor–"

"_See, I'm gonna have to stop you _riiight_ there,_" Alucard interrupted her. "_You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss – who is a total bitch, by the way – that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that._"

Integra glared venomously at the phone. "Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will–"

"_Sounds great. But I'm gonna have to go now: I just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Bye!_"

"_I love this show!_" Vegeta commented in the background.

Music played. "_Adventure Time: c'mon, grab your friends–_"

With a click and a beep, the phone went dead.

Integra's eyes narrowed, and she switched over to another line. "WALTER!"

.

Luke Valentine, followed by the short hooded figure, strolled nonchalantly down the long stone corridor. A group of Hellsing guards were arranged in formation around the secret entrance to Alucard's lair, under orders to keep anyone from entering.

"Allow me," the hooded figure said calmly, brushing past Luke.

"Whatever you say," Luke replied, drawing a long silver blade from his sleeve just in case.

The hooded figure walked forward, coming into sight of the guards. They hurriedly raised their guns, but before they could fire, the hooded figure pulled both arms back and swung them forward, unleashing an invisible wave of force. The telekinetic blast slammed into the guards, catapulting them backwards and crushing their bones and internal organs. Blood spurted from their eyes, ears, noses and mouths, and they tumbled to a halt, dead.

"Impressive," Luke commented.

"Compliments will get you nowhere with me, vampire," the hooded figure said. "Now let us continue: we have a vampire and a Saiyan to kill."

Abruptly, Luke's phone rang. He answered it. "Hello?"

_"So, how's my favorite big brother doin'?"_ Jan inquired.

"Oh, you know: we just killed a group of guards."

_"Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at?"_ The younger vampire paused. _"Nah, don't tell me. I'm winnin'."_

"They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs," Luke explained. He raised an eyebrow. "Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it."

_"Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys! Ah, fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! C'mere, ghoul!"_

There was a rasping groan from one of the ghouls, and the phone cut off.

"Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." Luke smiled thinly, pushing on a section of the rock wall where the guards had been standing. The rock moved, revealing a doorway set into the wall, leading to a long downward flight of stone stairs.

"After you," the hooded figure said casually, waving one hand towards the stairs. Somewhat reluctantly, Luke led the way down the stairs, into darkness.

.

"All right," Integra said, having regained some of her composure. "Walter and his assistant should be here any second now."

"But if there's no way upstairs, how are they going to–" Penward was cut off as an air vent cover hit him on the top of his head, followed quickly by Seras. The impact toppled his chair over backwards, as Walter also dropped through the open vent. He landed lightly on the palms of his hands with a cheery "Tally-ho!" and hopped off the table, landing nimbly on his feet.

"Good to see you, Walter," Integra greeted him casually, as Piccolo and Trunks also dropped feetfirst through the vent one by one, landing on their feet.

"Of course, sir." Noticing that she was taking out a fresh cigar, Walter promptly held out a lighter.

"The first two floors have been entirely overrun," Integra explained as she lit her cigar. "Communications with the outside have been cut off, we've lost all our men, and Alucard is being…"

"Alucard?"

"A total ass, yes. Now, tell me…" She raised an eyebrow. "Do you have any plans?"

"Of course, sir," Walter replied matter-of-factly. "I shall do exactly as the butler _does…_" He raised one hand, revealing that gleaming blue wires were hanging from the fingertips of his gloves. "…and tidy up."

.

"I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck," Jan Valentine chanted as he led his army of ghouls through the mansion's corridors. "I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. Now if I gave a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a–"

There was a flash of movement, a gleam of blue and silver, and the first row of ghouls behind him were instantly sliced apart with so much speed and force that they practically exploded in gouts of blood.

Jan blinked. "…Fuck was that?"

"Hello." Walter, who had been standing at the other end of the corridor, strode forward towards the vampires, showing absolutely no fear. The garrote wires trailing from his gloves flicked about around him, glinting whenever one of them caught the light. "My name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler for the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash." He adjusted one of his gloves. "And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself."

"I like him," Piccolo commented from around the corner at the end of the hall.

"Well, ain't you just the textbook _fuckin'_ definition of classy?" Jan shot back. "But guess what, Jeeves?" He snapped his fingers, and another row of ghouls marched forward, passing on either side of him and placing their oversized shields together to form a barrier. "That garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? _How thick is it?_ Well, half as thick as my _dick_. So, thick enough that you'd need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it! And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass."

Walter smiled faintly. "Police Girl, if you may?"

Seras, who was lying on the floor at the end of the hallway, grinned, propping herself up on her elbows as she gazed down the barrel of the massive gun that Alucard had requisitioned for her. "Bitches love cannons!"

The gun fired, a deafening thunderclap filling the hallway, as a massive projectile shot out of the barrel and smashed through the mass of ghouls like a hammer.

"Oh, fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle," Jan observed, before repeating, "_Oh, fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle!_"

Seras's only response was to fire again, taking out a dozen more ghouls.

Simultaneously, Piccolo and Trunks leaped out from around the corner, streaking past Walter and cannoning into the mass of ghouls. Trunks drew the glowing blue sword he'd taken from Anderson, carving through the throng and hacking the zombies' bodies apart with ease. Piccolo, by contrast, didn't seem to want any of the ghouls to touch him, so he simply kept leaping around the hallway, jumping from wall to ceiling to wall again as he kept firing energy blasts at the ghouls, blowing them apart.

In total, it took about thirty seconds for Trunks and Piccolo to turn the entire army of armored ghouls into a mass of shredded corpses.

Walter stared in shock at the carnage as both fighters landed lightly in front of him. "Who the hell _are_ you people?" he managed, still in his normal tone.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Piccolo replied casually.

.

Alucard and Vegeta sat in two armchairs, watching the latest episode of _Adventure Time_ on Alucard's new TV. Having never seen this show before, Vegeta was actually enjoying himself quite a lot. They were both laughing uproariously while they traded stories about their various exploits.

"So, let me get this straight," Alucard asked with a chuckle. "You saved the planet from an evil dictatorship… and then you blew the whole planet up?"

"Yep," Vegeta confirmed with his patented smirk.

"Classic." The vampire grinned.

"While we're on the subject," Vegeta replied, "you did _what_ to a mime in Paris?"

Alucard's attention, however, had shifted to the TV. "Shhh! The next episode's starting!"

A few minutes later, the pair were laughing at the top of their lungs, thoroughly enjoying the show.

At least, up until the TV and the wall behind it abruptly exploded with a deafening thunderclap.

"Oh, what the _shit?!_" Vegeta yelled, jumping to his feet as two figures stepped through the gaping hole in the wall. "You _do_ know the door is literally _right over there_, right?!"

Alucard's reaction was much more restrained. His eyes, glowing red behind his sunglasses, fixed on the two intruders. "That... was a seventy-inch... plasma widescreen TV," he said slowly, before taking a deep breath and grinning. "So, how can I help you?"

"You must be the great Alucard," said the taller of the new arrivals, a pale man with bright green eyes, long blonde hair, and a white trenchcoat.

Alucard nodded. "Suuuup?"

The other man nodded. "I've heard quite a lot about you."

The reclining vampire raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Inwardly, Alucard's first thought was, _Oh, fan-fucking-tastic. A fanboy_.

The blonde man smiled. "The Nightwalker, who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that _casts a shadow on darkness itself-_"

"Oh, you dirty bitch, _work the shaft!_" Alucard cut him off.

The other man frowned. "Ex...cuse you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Alucard chuckled. "I like to dirty talk when someone's _sucking my dick._"

The blonde sighed. "Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine."

"And I'm Carmen Sandiego," Alucard replied promptly. "Guess where I am!"

Vegeta, meanwhile, had been trying to sense the ki of the short hooded figure that had entered the room behind Luke. He couldn't sense much, but it was already apparent that this one was much stronger than he looked.

"So, who's your friend?" he asked casually, before Luke could continue his argument with Alucard.

"I require no introduction from this pathetic worm," the short, hooded figure replied in a high-pitched, grating voice. "I shall introduce myself in my own fashion." He chuckled, throwing his hood back to reveal a demonic-looking visage with pale blue skin, pointed ears, oversized eyes, pointed teeth, and a crazed grin.

Vegeta frowned. "And what the hell are you supposed to be?"

"Oh, I am no mere mortal, you fool," the short man cackled. "I am an immortal demon, returned from the wretched void known as the Dead Zone to claim my vengeance on this world! And I will start by destroying you!" He sneered. "I am the destroyer of your world, filthy Saiyan! I am the terrible, the invincible, the monstrous... _Garlic Junior!_"

Vegeta stared at the little man for a long moment.

And then he burst out laughing, almost doubling over in hysterics. "Ahahahahahaha! Oh, that is _priceless!_"

Garlic Junior's eyes narrowed. "I see a demonstration is in order... very well. Behold my power!" With a snarl that rapidly became a deep-toned roar, his body burst outwards, growing from a four-foot-tall, pale blue midget into a muscular giant with dark green skin and bulging muscles. His cloak was discarded, no longer necessary.

Rubbing the tears of laughter out of his eyes, Vegeta grinned, taking in his opponent. "Well, this should be fun."

Garlic snarled. "Are you mocking-" He was interrupted as Vegeta's fist connected with his face, launching him backwards across the room. Both fighters raced off into the far reaches of the immense room, continuing their battle elsewhere.

Left behind, Alucard and Luke stared after them for a moment, before turning back to each other.

"Twenty bucks on Vegeta," Alucard commented.

"Do you mind?!" Luke snapped. "I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here!"

"Oh, so am I. And I'm failing. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated." Alucard's smile faded. "Because this blonde little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my _seventy-inch, plasma TV_, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father."

In a blur of movement, Luke drew a gun and held it to Alucard's forehead, only to find that the other vampire had placed his own gun against Luke's forehead as well.

Alucard's eyes narrowed. "Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?"

Both guns fired simultaneously.

.

Seras tackled Jan, pinning him to the floor with his left arm pinned behind his back. "Armbars everywhere!" she shouted, holding him firmly.

"That's quite impressive," Walter complimented her. "Where did you learn that hold?" He was standing over her, gazing down coolly at Jan: Piccolo and Trunks were leaning against the wall behind him, trying to avoid all the blood from the ghouls they had killed.

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh, wow, it's almost like I'm a _Police Girl_ or something!"

"Sarcasm is unbecoming of you."

Jan chose that moment to speak up. "Wow, gee willikers, mister, I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all of your guards and tearin' up your mansion! I _promise_, I've learned my less–" Walter promptly stomped on his hand, eliciting a strangled gasp of pain. "Ah, fuck, take a joke, asshole!"

"And everything you say just pisses me off!" Walter snapped. "Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know."

"All right, all right!" Jan replied. "What you do is, you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra... and it'll help you _go fuck yourself!_"

A growl rumbled in Walter's throat, and his fingers flexed, the shining threads of the razor wire glinting in the light as they moved.

Suddenly, a chorus of snarls ripped through the hallway, and Walter's eyes widened. Seras hesitated, and Jan seized the opportunity, kicking her and knocking her far enough away that he was able to twist out of her hold. He backflipped away from them, landing about thirty feet back down the hall, just as the darkened hallway behind him filled with shambling shapes, all of them with the glowing purple eyes of ghouls.

"And now for the upcoming company picnic!" Jan announced, bowing. "Unfortunately, all your douchebag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh. Still better than potato salad, if you ask me. And, for the spice on top..." He snapped his fingers, and four tall, hooded figures emerged from among the mass of newly turned ghouls. They threw off their cloaks, revealing brightly colored outfits, pointed teeth and claws, and completely ridiculous hairstyles. More importantly, all four of them had a significant level of ki.

"No way," Piccolo muttered under his breath.

Trunks frowned. "What? Who are those guys?"

"Not sure: but if I'm right, we've got a problem."

_Oh, great,_ Kami's voice commented in Piccolo's mind. _This can't be Garlic Junior: it's not possible!_

_Well, if they are linked to him, we should probably deal with them just to be safe,_ Piccolo reasoned.

_I hear that,_ Nail added, also in Piccolo's mind.

"Trunks," Piccolo ordered, "you're with me. We'll take those four." He glanced to Walter. "Can you two handle the rest?"

Walter smiled fractionally. "Of course, sir."

"Great." With that, Piccolo and Trunks vanished in a blur of super speed, clashing with the four demons at the other end of the hallway with a resounding series of impacts. Trunks kicked one of the demons through a wall and leapt after it, with a second one in pursuit, while Piccolo grabbed the other two by their throats and smashed straight through the ceiling, taking their battle elsewhere.

"Well, at least those two're out of the way," Jan commented. He grinned. "Now, if'n you don't mind, I'mma go eat that Hellsing bitch!" He charged, leaping into the air and flipping over Walter's head, heading toward the doors to the conference room.

However, Walter reacted fast enough to intercept him, lashing out with his deadly garrote wires and whipping several of them around Jan's right arm. "I've got your arm!" he snapped, yanking on the wires to pull the vampire back.

"_So shove it up your ass! Ahahahahaha!_" Jan exclaimed gleefully, yanking against the wires with so much force that his entire arm was torn off at the elbow, blood spraying from the stump but not slowing him down. He reached the other end of the corridor within seconds and burst through the doors… only to skid to a halt at the sight of Integra and the entire council, each with a pistol trained on him.

"Well, that's not fair at all," he muttered.

"I'm sorry," Integra shot back. "We don't give a fuck."

And, as he was riddled with bullets, Jan Valentine cut loose with the longest and most disgusting string of curse words that Integra had ever heard. He didn't stop yelling until about twenty seconds later, after about a hundred bullets had torn into him and he finally staggered back into the hall before collapsing.

"…Fuck," he managed, spitting blood. "Where the fuck did my ghouls go?"

"Oh, they've been dealt with," Walter informed him coolly. He glanced back down the hallway to where Seras was viciously tearing through the mass of ghouls, her eyes blazing red and a wicked grin on her face as she fought.

Abruptly, with a resounding crash, one of the weirdly-attired demons crashed through the wall into the corridor. It was followed by Trunks, who landed a jump-kick that sent it tumbling down the hallway towards the conference room doors. The creature snarled, rolling over and preparing to attack. At the same time, the second demon burst through the wall next to its compatriot and lunged at Trunks.

Trunks's eyes narrowed, and he leapt forwards to meet them. There was a flash of blue light, and the three of them landed on their feet, facing away from each other.

For a long moment, nobody moved.

"Very impressive," Walter remarked – he was the only one of the group in the conference room with fast enough reflexes to have caught a glimpse of what had just happened.

Integra frowned. "What… what just happened?"

"Give it a second," Trunks replied, wiping a smear of blood off the glowing blue blade of his sword. He sheathed the sword: as the weapon's hilt clicked against the scabbard slung over his back, both demons collapsed, dead.

Integra's eyes widened in shock. _Oh, we are _definitely_ keeping this lot on the payroll_, she thought.

A series of loud crashes echoed from above, and Piccolo smashed down through the ceiling into the hallway, accompanied by the body of one of the two demons he had been fighting. Even as he landed in the corridor, he fired a ki blast from one hand, blasting the demon through the adjacent wall. It didn't try to get up.

"Well, that was easy," he commented.

"Uh… what happened to the other one you were fighting?" Trunks inquired.

"It died," Piccolo answered offhandedly.

Jan, meanwhile, had been staring in shock as his most powerful allies were tossed around like rag dolls. "Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner," he muttered to himself as he slumped against the wall of the corridor.

"All right, shit-for-brains," Integra snapped, refocusing her attention on him, "you're going to spill every single thing you know, or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana."

Even Piccolo winced upon hearing that (which was unusual, as he didn't have one, and therefore had no reason to worry).

Jan chuckled, grinning harshly through the pain. "I don't know what's fuckin' funnier," he wheezed, struggling to his feet. "The fact that you think your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did!" Abruptly, blue fire erupted from within his body, engulfing him. "_And now I'm on fuckin' fire!_ So now it's free game! The one who sent me… _was_… _Naziiiiis!_" With that, the flames consumed him, and his body collapsed to the floor, one middle finger still raised, before he disintegrated into ash.

Integra blinked. "I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?"

"I heard Miami Heat," Walter remarked.

"I heard Michael J. Fox," Trunks added.

"I heard Neil Armstrong," Piccolo commented.

"I heard The Motley Crew with my vampire hearing," Seras put in.

"Wait a second," Integra muttered, glancing around. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Where's the big brother?"

.

_Downstairs, in Alucard's lair…_

Vegeta and Garlic Junior clashed repeatedly, exchanging a whirlwind of kicks and punches. While the Saiyan prince was much stronger and faster than his opponent, it was becoming irritatingly apparent that Garlic Junior was nearly impossible to kill. Every time Vegeta inflicted an injury, it would simply heal without a scratch.

"Okay, how the hell do you keep doing that?!" Vegeta snapped, smashing Garlic into the floor with a double-fisted hammer. "I'm pretty sure I've broken every bone in your body at least once by now, so how are you not dead?!"

Garlic chuckled, picking himself up as his body repaired itself again. "Foolish insect. You have no concept of who you're dealing with. In our old world, before I was banished to the Dead Zone, I used the Dragon Balls to grant myself immortality! As you can tell, this means you would have no chance whatsoever of defeating me: whatever you do to me, I will instantly recover from it! This is a battle you cannot win!"

Vegeta gritted his teeth. "You did _what?!_" Inwardly, he seethed. _Unbelievable! This little idiot actually managed to wish for immortality on the Dragon Balls, when neither Frieza nor myself could manage it?! Ridiculous! Well, one thing's for sure: I'm done taking it easy on him!_

"Well, then," he said coolly, his blue aura flaring to life around him. "I suppose playtime's over, then. Allow me to show you what _real_ power looks like!" With a yell, he threw his head back, and his aura exploded out around him, shifting from blue to gold. A shockwave shook the entire mansion.

.

Upstairs, Piccolo and Trunks exchanged a glance, eyes wide, as they sensed Vegeta's power skyrocketing below them.

"Oh, hell," Integra muttered. "Alucard, I swear to God…" She whirled and marched back into the conference room, heading for the phone.

.

Vegeta's hair was spiked up vertically, and had changed from black to a bright, glowing gold. His blazing golden aura crackled around him, and his muscles bulged with new power.

"What the hell is this?" Garlic snapped, gazing wide-eyed at Vegeta. Whatever had happened to his opponent, he wasn't sure he liked it.

On the other side of the immense room, Alucard glanced over at the brilliant light emanating from his friend. "Interesting," he observed, a moment before a bullet from Luke hit him in the chest, returning his attention to his own fight.

Vegeta's eyes, which were now a bright, vivid green, focused on Garlic, narrowing. The demon's own eyes widened, and he took a wary step back.

"This," Vegeta explained, "is a Super Saiyan." He smirked. "Now, what was that you were saying before? Something about a battle I couldn't win?"

With that, Vegeta reappeared directly behind Garlic and punched straight through his torso, then whirled, kicking completely through his waist and cutting him in half. Blasting the lower half of the demon's body into ashes, he whirled, hammering Garlic's remaining upper torso with a vicious series of punches, crushing bones into powder and pulverizing the demon's body under the onslaught.

Finishing off his combination with an energy blast that shredded Garlic's torso, he stepped back, watching as a cloud of smoke billowed up from the stone floor.

Sure enough, however, Garlic quickly began to reform, the blue smoke drifting back together, gradually forming into his full body again. He was literally shaking with rage. "_I am two hundred percent done!_" he snarled, before letting out a roar of rage that shook the entire room. The air above him began to warp and ripple, a multicolored red-and-yellow vortex forming.

"This is the Dead Zone," Garlic hissed. "The same dimension that I was imprisoned in for all those years. No matter how powerful you are, you cannot escape! You will be trapped in a state of horrific torment for the rest of eternity!"

"Oh, really?" Vegeta retorted. He smirked. "And what if I throw you in instead?"

"Well, then I–" Garlic's eyes widened in realization. "_Oh, shi–_" He was interrupted as Vegeta cannoned into him, grabbing him by one leg and spinning him around in circles, faster and faster.

"LET GO OF ME!" Garlic screamed.

Vegeta laughed. "Whatever you say!"

Too late, Garlic realized his mistake. "NOOO–" He was abruptly cut off as Vegeta let go, hurling him directly into the open portal.

Garlic's last thought before he vanished back into the Dead Zone was, _In retrospect, summoning the only thing that could defeat me – _again_ – was probably a bad idea_.

He vanished through the portal, which promptly shattered like glass and dissolved.

Vegeta dropped to the floor, relaxing and reverting to his normal state. His golden hair darkened back to its usual black, and he glanced up at the place where the portal had been. "Well, that was weird."

.

Meanwhile, Alucard and Luke Valentine were still fully engaged in battle. While both vampires were firing at the other with everything they had, Luke was using his super-speed to dodge most of Alucard's bullets, while the red-clad vampire hadn't bothered with dodging and was taking hit after hit, blood pouring from his injuries.

"You can't touch me!" Luke boasted as he continued to dodge the incoming fire. "I was hand-crafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival, nay, _dwarf_ yours! In comparison to you, _I am a demigod!_"

Alucard was silent for a moment, his head hanging low as he stopped firing for a moment. Then he sighed. "Really? _Really?_"

"Really," Luke shot back.

"Really?"

"Really!"

"_**Really?!**_" Alucard's head snapped up, his eyes blazing red.

"_Really!_"

_Okay, I've had enough of this_, Alucard thought to himself. He abruptly straightened up, holding his hands in an odd position. "Release restraint to Level One." A hundred glowing eyes appeared in the shadows cast by his trenchcoat.

Luke frowned. "Level what?"

As Luke watched in shock, Alucard's body appeared to disintegrate, ripping itself apart, and then reformed into a seething mass of darkness and red light. A dozen monstrous faces appeared and dissolved as quickly as they had come.

Vegeta watched from a few yards away, his eyes wide in shock. "What the fuck is _that?!_" he muttered to himself.

The monstrous head of something vaguely resembling a dog emerged where Alucard's right arm had been: the barrel of one of his oversized pistols protruded from its mouth and fired, sending a bullet ripping through Luke Valentine's left knee and blasting his leg completely off.

Luke screamed, clutching at the stump of his leg and hopping away from the monster that Alucard had transformed into.

"_You know,_" Alucard rumbled, his voice deep, twisted and rasping, as he snatched up Luke's severed leg with one hand, "_they say that watching TV makes you violent: but I'd say not having my TV is making me pretty __**fucking**__ violent!_" He fired again, blasting off Luke's other leg.

"Well, he's dead," Vegeta muttered.

Luke screamed as he hit the floor, clutching at the stumps of his legs as he dragged himself across the stone floor. "I'm near the stairs," he gasped. "Gotta get to the stairs. If I can just get up the stairs, I…" He trailed off, looking up at the stairs… which extended for at least several hundred steps above him. "Awwww, _fuck_."

"_Come on!_" Alucard growled, advancing on him. "_You were talking all that good shit a second ago! Then I blew your fucking legs off!_"

"Wha… you… whathefuck?!" Luke gasped, staring up at the monstrous vampire with terror in his eyes.

"_What's wrong, __**demigod?!**_" Alucard snarled. "_Just grow back your legs!_" He crushed Luke's severed leg in his hand. "_Summon up your demons! Hit me! Fight me!_" He paused, and then smirked. "_Give me a hug._"

Luke's eyes widened. "R…Really?"

Then Alucard lunged, and a hundred fang-filled maws descended on him.

"_OhgodNO–_"

And then there was just screaming.

Vegeta, who had been watching, actually felt nauseated for a moment: but, considering that he had wiped out entire planets before and then eaten the corpses of the inhabitants, he didn't feel as repulsed as a normal person would have.

_Still_, he thought to himself, _that is disturbing on __**so**__ many levels_.

.

"_Hey, we're here on Epic Meal Time!_" Alucard's distorted voice echoed over the phone, mixed with the sounds of ripping flesh, crunching bones, and Luke Valentine's screaming. "_I'm the __**sauce boss**__, and tonight, we're eating this blonde little wannabe demigod bitch!_"

The entire council was gazing in horror at the phone. "Who… is that, exactly?" Penward asked.

"Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier," Integra commented casually. "This is what happens when he has to entertain himself." She smirked. "So, what was that issue with our funding?"

Four Council members, including Penward, spoke up simultaneously.

"Issue?"

"What issue?"

"I don't see an issue!"

"Shut up and take our money!"

.

_So, any idea why Garlic Junior was here?_ Piccolo questioned inwardly.

_Not a clue,_ Kami replied. _But there must be some explanation. If we were able to come here, and so was Garlic Junior, then it's highly possible that other beings from our world could have come through as well._

_Which means we might have more than vampires and zombies to worry about,_ Nail mused.

"Ah, and just like that, everything turned out all right in the end," Alucard stated into the phone, drawing Piccolo's attention back to the conversation at hand.

Integra sighed. "Yes, everything turned out just fine. Except that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the Police Girl in a blood rage."

Seras blinked. "Um… what's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything?"

Vegeta raised an eyebrow. _I have to admit, she'd make a good Saiyan._

"Oh, that reminds me, for whatever reason," Alucard inquired. "Did we ever find out who sent them?"

There was a long pause.

"It was the Nazis, wasn't it?" Alucard asked.

"No," Integra replied flatly.

"Bet you I'm right."

"Bet you you're wrong."

"Bet you you're a _skank_."

"Bet you you're an _asshole_."

"_BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!_"

"Okay, who the hell are the Nazis, anyway?" Vegeta demanded.

.

_And here we are again. So sorry it's been such a long time since I've updated this story: hopefully this chapter makes up for it!_

_And yes, I will be explaining how the hell Garlic Junior got here in later chapters. For the record, the four demons who are with him in this chapter (and get their asses handed to them by Trunks and Piccolo) are the same four that showed up on the Lookout with him during Episode 31 of DBZ Abridged (when the five of them were promptly devoured by Mr. Popo)._

_Shoutouts to HeavyJ15, jhud, rgss, superfanman217, Cf96, kwak73, SuperSOULEATERLOVER, CrazyAwesomeFanGirl, Kung-fu Blaziken, Alucard, and Hedgehog of Time for reviewing: I really appreciate it!_

_As always, I greatly appreciate feedback on my work, so if anyone has any questions or comments regarding this chapter or the story as a whole, please review!_

_Next chapter, the gang take a trip to South America, and Vegeta comes face-to-face with an unexpected enemy from his past… stay tuned!_

_See you all next time!_

_Review Q&amp;A:_

_Q: __This... is... AWESOME! _

_Sorry had to get that of my chest. I love not only the Idea but also the story so far. I can only congratulate you to this fine project._

_To my question: Will you put some more things from the tfs dbz universe in the story? Like the Krillin owned counter and some jokes about Yamcha or even Nappa (because we all know how hilarious he is)_

_A: Well, we'll have to see about the other Z-Fighters, but there will definitely be some other elements and characters from the TFS DBZ universe included in this story._

_Q: __Haha! I couldn't believe my eyes when I found this. I thought it to good to be true, you sir are genius for thinking of this and I can't wait to see more!_

_A: Well, thanks, I appreciate the compliment! Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter! :)_

_Q: __PARTY PARTY PARTY!_

_I WANNA HAVE A PARTY!_

_I NEED TA HAVE A PARTY!_

_YA BETTER HAVE A PARTY!_

_OH PARTY PARTY PARTY!_

_YA GOTTA PARTY HARDY!_

_I'M GONNA HAVE A PARTY!_

_OR ELSE YA WILL BE SORRY!_

_Vegeta and Alucard are in the same room. SO AWESOME!_

_Go on..._

_A: Yes, as we can see in this chapter, Vegeta and Alucard are quickly becoming good friends. And yes, it will be awesome._

_Q: Well, while I do understand the sheer awesomeness of my story, what was the point of importing all of this weird shmucks? I mean this shorty with spiky hair would totally go in to punch him in the face and his son has a sword. None of them seem like run away type of guys to me._

_hmmm... Need to find a reason to fight with them by the way._

_Follow me on Twitter CrimsonFuckr_

_-Sincerely, Alucard_

_A: Well, if you're referring to the scene with Anderson, Vegeta and Piccolo left because, frankly, Anderson probably just plain creeps them the f*ck out, especially in that environment. Normally, Vegeta would have no problem taking him on, but in that situation he decided that leaving would be a better idea than sticking around. And Trunks would just go along with the two of them. Regarding the whole "Trunks' sword" thing, just to clarify, he didn't have a sword to begin with: he took one of the holy swords that Anderson left behind at the end of last chapter, to replace the one that the androids broke before the start of this story._

_Q: So Vegeta and Alucard will go on a jolly good rampage, Trunks and Seras will hook up, and Piccolo will hang with Integra. Much fun and slaughter will be had by all!_

_A: Well, we'll have to see if all of that will happen, but it will definitely be fun!_


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